Broken Ideas
by rubyphantom56
Summary: My ideas never flowed. The pen could never go across the paper for long enough, and I could never make the ideas connect. They were shattered and broken. Ideas of many things just strewn about. Perhaps one day, one idea would be able to connect with anoth


A/N: And another oneshot from the files… Thanks to everyone that read "But Only If You Promise" and this is kind of a prequel to that… Mind you, this is rather a long oneshot, but I hope that you don't mind. This will probably be the only other thing that I'm writing to accompany BOIYP, but I'll be sure to let you know if there's something else in the works. This story also takes place preOotP so you'll notice that Dumbledore nor Sirius is dead. Hope you'll review this one, and hope you like it. Oh and of course, thanks so much to our wonderful beta, Megan! I'm not quite sure how she got this back to me so quickly…. But oh well!

Disclaimer: Never. Quite that Simple.

Summary: My ideas never flowed. The pen could never go across the paper for long enough, and I could never make the ideas connect. They were shattered and broken. Ideas of many things just strewn about. Perhaps one day, one idea would be able to connect with another?

Pairing: Anything other than my usual? No, Snarry it is!

Warnings: Show of hands who hate fluff! **waits, and no hands are raised** OK good, because there's going to be fluff in this fic, and if you don't want, don't read. Oh, and Harry POV. You'll find out why exactly it is that POV soon. Also there's the whole "student-teacher" issue thing going on. Just a little thing to let you know that it's implied teacher lusting after student.

Title: Broken Ideas

_The paper sits on the desk,  
__Waiting for my words.  
__Alas,  
__I cannot give them,  
__For it would be denying myself._

_Unfortunately, my ideas will never  
__See the world.  
__The ideas scattered about my brain  
__are confusing,  
__And oh so everlasting. _

_These ideas are disconnected  
__From everything else in my life.  
__They are the resemblence  
__Of broken dreams,  
__And an almost broken heart._

oO0Oo

I was browsing in the library inside the Snape-Potter manor, and I found something I hadn't seen for years. I found this journal on the bookshelves many years later, realizing that it was from my old years at Hogwarts. Pulling the journal out, I sat into the armchair next to the fire and began to reread my memoirs.

oO0Oo

If you're reading this journal, it means that you found something for me to record my memories in, on paper inside of a pensive. It's a fairly long story, but if you stay for long enough, I'm sure you'll be entertained. This journal is dedicated to the person I love with all my heart and live for everyday. I pray to Merlin that you never find this.

This is a jounal that has been dedicated to the man that I love, Severus Snape. Yes, I realize it sounds absurd, but I must tell you, that I love him with all my heart. Even though he's not the most amazing man that I've ever met, he was the very first that I fell for. I belive it all had began in my 7th year, when I came to realize this.

And so, I'll begin telling the story.

Perhaps I deserved what he told me for years. That I would never amount to anything, that I was just a spoiled brat that everyone thought they could count on to bring down Voldemort. I never thought that hate I felt for him would turn into something quite like this.

Love.

The word associated with him should have made me feel disgusted, but oddly enough, it didn't. When I said to myself over and over, "I'm in love with Severus Snape," it felt completely natural. Admitting something like that to myself should have made me afraid, but oddly enough, it began to make me feel whole.

I soon began to look forward to our sessions together, as if just being near him was fulfillment enough. I would be able to feel him delving into my memories and feelings, and I would be able to push him out just before he found the memories of him… the ones that I think of him fondly.

But I suppose part of me wanted him to find out about it, to know that I felt more than just a simple fondness for him. Yes, even back then, I knew it wasn't just a form of respect for him, or a form of infatuation, but much more. It was most certiantly love, and I knew it. How else could I have said "I'm in love with Severus Snape," to myself and _not_ believe it to be true?

I no longer looked upon him with such a despising hate, but it was more adoration. I think that he caught me staring at him in class more often that I would glare at Malfoy. I also noticed that since I started doing that, he wouldn't pick on me as often, and I began to worry everyone around me. It's not like I'd wanted to confuse them all, but I suppose that's just how it was.

This pattern was continued until Winter Break and Christmas. I felt the sudden urge to get him a gift, but I knew I couldn't without being called down into his offices, again, to ask in probably his own words, "Potter, why the hell did you get me a Christmas gift?" But I supposed that I would anyway, but not tell him it was from me. So, I went out, got an automatic quill, so that my handwriting could not be traced back to me, and bought him a gift. It was a ring, shaped like a snake that looped around his entire finger. A simple, yet fairly expensive gift for the man I more than absolutely adored. The ring was silver, and the eyes were emeralds. It wasn't meant to be a clue to who sent it, but more as the Slytherin colors.

I wrote him a note with the automatic quill that read:

_Severus,_

_I've noticed that you don't have anything that seems especially special to you, and I believed that you would appreciate a gift like this. Hopefully I can adore your hand that you put this on from a distance, and that you enjoy it. I give my best wishes, and my adoration to you. _

_Sincerely,_

_A secret love_

The note fitted the gift I figured, seeing as how it was short, simple, and to the point. I put the small box inside a bigger one, wrapped it in green paper with a silver bow, and sent it off with a school owl on Christmas Eve. I told myself that I didn't care if he actually wore it, or that he wouldn't like it, even though deep down I knew that I did care what he thought of my gift.

I woke up on Christmas, and found no gift from him. I don't know why I expected one… I believe that I'd just been hoping too much. My gifts, as always, were sitting on the foot of my bed, but this year I didn't have the chance to show off any gifts to Ron. He was spending the holidays at Hermione's house this year, and at his next year. I'd been invited too, but turned it down to give them the time alone they never seemed to get around here. I was alone this Christmas. I finished unwrapping my gifts, took a shower, got dressed and then went down to the Great Hall to eat breakfast.

I noted that most of the staff was already there, and being the only student left in the school (still not quite sure how that happened) I sat with the rest of the staff. Just as I sat across from Professor Flitwick, I heard Professor McGonagall gasp. "Severus, who gave you that ring?" My heart leaped. He was wearing my gift! I contained my excitement by piling food onto my plate and then started eating.

I heard his smooth voice answer her. "I'm afraid I do not know the answer to that question, Minerva. I found an owl sitting in my rooms this morning with this package sitting on the table. I open it and it appears that I have a secret admirer." He twisted the ring on his finger slightly. "But I do appreciate whoever sent it to me. I've never had any kind of decent jewelry before." A very small, almost invisible smile played at his lips.

Professor McGonagall was in shock. "A secret admirer? Who in this school would admire you?" Snape just _looked _at her. "I don't mean it to be rude, of course Severus, I just meant that you usually scare the students."

"Perhaps there's someone that was looking past my personality to my personality. You know I'm halfway decent, when I want to be. And besides, how do you know it was a student? I always knew that back in school Lupin fancied me, maybe he still does and this is his way of trying to get to me." He said, a tone of annoyance playing his voice. I snorted quietly enough that only Dumbledore seemed to notice. He gave me a warm smile, and I excused myself from the table.

As I was near the Staircases, I was stopped by a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to find my favorite teacher standing behind me. "Potter." Don't blush. If you blush, he'll know it was you, and you don't want him to know it was you yet. I swallowed, and said, "Yes, Professor?" I started walking again.

"Do you know who sent me this?" he held up his hand, and the ring glinted in the firelight. I shook my head. "Mr. Lupin didn't say anything to you about sending me a gift?" I shook my head again. He sighed. "If you ever do find out who sent it, tell me." I nodded.

"Of course, sir." I walked up the staircase, and looked back for a second to see those piercing black eyes stare back up at me. That was when I began to blush. Luckily, I turned my head before my face started feeling warm, and I rushed the rest of the way up the stairs.

Perhaps I should interrupt my story to tell you something important. I didn't know what love was then, exactly, anyway. I also happened to know that Remus still fancied Severus, which sent a ping of jealously right to my heart. I'm going to skip ahead to later in the year, just after classes had started again.

My daily routine had started again: Stare at him as he's talking, write down instructions to the potion, stare at him some more out of the corner of my eye as I'm waiting to get my ingredients, do several steps of said potion, stare at him some more, bottle my finshed potion, and stare at him until the period ends.

A few days later was when Hermione noticed the ring on his right ring finger. "Harry, did you notice?" I looked up from my work and asked, "Notice what?" She pointed to the hand Severus was waving around, putting instructions on the board.

"You mean the ring?" I asked and she nodded.

"I don't recall him having that ring before. Was it a gift for Christmas?" I nodded, and then she looked shocked. "How do you know?"

I simply shrugged. "He was wearing it that morning and Professor McGonagall asked him about it. Apparently Snape has a secret admirer." To my horror and to everyone elses' she started to laugh. Severus glared at her when she finished a few seconds later.

"Are you quite done yet, Miss Granger?" He asked, that annoyed tone back in his voice.

"I'm sorry, Professor." She answered, going red from the attention of everyone in the room.

"15 points from Gryffindor. Make sure it doesn't happen again." He turned back to the board before giving her a chance to answer. The class preceded in the way it always did. Stare, work and stare some more.

After the class let out, she cornered me and asked, "Do you know who it is?" I shook my head and said, "But he thinks it's Remus." Her jaw went slack. "Remus _Lupin_?" She asked, alarm clearly ringing in her voice. I nodded. She continued to be speechless all the way back up to Gryffindor tower. As soon as we stepped though the portrait hole, she burst out laughing again. "So it's a student in the school?" I merely shrugged. Somehow, that managed to get her laughing even harder. And then weird looks were given to us from those coming and going though the portrait hole.

Ron rushed in a few minutes later, with Hermione still laughing, and had a scared look on his face. "What in all levels of hell happened to her?" She was bent over at the waist, holding her sides, and hanging onto a chair with what seemed like dear life, laughing.

"I just told her some unfortunate news." I said, still trying to calm the girl down. He looked puzzled and preceded to ask what I'd said. I repeated it and he came down with the same condition as her. Soon a crowd began to develop and I heard someone ask why they were laughing so hard. I told them all to listen carefully. I told them the same thing I told Ron and Hermione, and everyone that was a thrid year or higher started laughing like crazy. I threw up my hands and said, "All right, I give up."

I went to McGonagall's offices, and knocked on her door. She called enter to me, and as soon as she saw the look on my face, she asked what was wrong. I told her, "You'd better get up to the tower, or you'll have a bunch of Gryffindors who died from laughing too much."

She smiled and said, "You must be exaggerating, Mr. Potter." I shook my head, and then she started laughing. I threw my hands up and left the office.

I went down to the lake, where I could still hear the laughter from up in the tower. I went to the broom shed, pulled mine out, and went flying the the bitter air. About a half hour later, after all the laughter had subsided and I knew it would be safe, I went back inside, only to run into Severus outside the dungeons. I was flushed from both the cold air, and running into him. Luckily, he wouldn't be able to tell that I was flushed because of him, or at least I hoped.

"Potter, watch where you're going." He spat it out and I was forced to face a very harsh reality. It was _me_ that was in love with _him_ and not the other way around. I was downtrodded when I realized this, and walked away without apologizing. He didn't seem to think much of me, but grabbed my arm before I was able to get to far. "Potter, watch with your eyes next time." He let go, and then walked off down the corridor. Yes, he'd still said my name with a seething hate. I rushed back to the tower, up to my room, and unexpectedly burst into tears.

They were bitter. The man of my dreams, literally, might as well just rejected me right off. I never really knew that an unrequited love would hurt so much, but it was just the way it had to be. A man as amazing, brilliant and good-looking as Severus would never take a kid as a lover, or even less likely take him into a relationship. Besides, he was probably lusting after Remus anyway. How did a good-for-nothing kid like me even stand a chance?

I'd pulled my curtians shut, only to have them opened my Hermione a few minutes later. "Ron sent me up here, thought that I might do better than he would." She sat down on the bed and pulled me into an embrace. "What happened, my dear Harry? Who has made you so sad?" she stroked my hair, and for once, I was more than happy to have someone to lend a shoulder for me to cry on.

None of what I was saying was making sense. If Hermione could make out what I was pulling out my arse, she's even more brilliant than any of us gave her credit for. Instead of trying to talk logically, she used comfort. Petting my hair, murming soothing sounds into my ear, and not moving away from her current positon on my bed were her ways of comforting me. Ron would have just sat there, not quite sure what to do. "Let it out Harry. Whoever made you this sad must be important to you. You don't cry over nothing, everyone who knows you like I do knows that. Believe it or not, but crying is good for you, whether you're a guy or girl. It lets out the feelings that you bottled up so much inside you, and it acts like a vent. Just let it out, and cry until you can't cry anymore."

And with that, I did. I cried for what seemed like hours and days, but after I finished crying, I fell asleep. It was one of the best naps that I'd ever gotten. Somehow, she'd pulled me to the bed, and sat with my head at her chest. When I woke up, her arms were around me, and she was breathing quietly, and I knew she was asleep. I felt my eyelids get heavy again, and I drifted off again.

A few days later, and I'm as happy as I could have ever been at the time. Before now, I was looking forward to his classes, and now, again, I dreaded going. I went as a favor to Hermione. Had she not been there for me that night like she was, there's a good chance that I might be skipping once or more a week. I did my homework as an attempt to keep him off my mind, and it was working splendedly. Ron was slightly downhearted at having two friends who did nothing but study in their free time. He'd offered chess to me, exploding snap, anything that would get my mind off of school.

None of it worked. I continued to go to the Quidditch pratices, but other than that, I'd be either with Hermione going over something I didn't understand, or working in the library with the quiet. That changed when I saw him coming into the library on a regular basis, as if to make sure I was there like I was everyday from the last period of the day, which ended at 3:30, to 6 when it was time for dinner. One day, I decided to break my routine.

Instead of going down to the library, I walked back up to the common room with Hermione. She gave me a puzzled expression. "So, why of all days are you coming back up to here instead of working down in the library. I thought we had discussed the importance now that-- "

I cut her off by saying, "Now that I'm actually caring about my studies and needing to find peace and quiet, and Hermione, I've heard it a thousand times." I paused long enough for her to smile. "Besides, I have something very important that I need to speak to you about. Now, when I tell you this, promise me you won't overreact?" She nodded and then I realized how many people there were down in the common room at this time of day. "Maybe we should go up to your room." She gave me the expression that said, 'and how are you planning to get up the stairs?' I told her, realizing that it would probably work, "Try a levitating charm. If the stairs can't sense my presence _on _them, they might not block me from floating up the stairs." She nodded and I found myself suspended in the air.

She carefully guided me up the stairs, making sure my feet never touched them. It had worked! Hermione pointed to the door, and all present left the room without muttering a word. She sat me down on a bed and then walked over and sat down next to me. "Now that we have privacy Harry, what did you need to tell me?"

I grasped both her hands in mine. "Hermione, I've fallen in love with someone." Her eyes widened. Then I realized I thought I meant her. "It's not you." She sighed in relief. I paused, suddenly embarassed at this… how would she take the news? "You must promise not to tell _anyone_, especially Ron. He would freak and go and try to kill him if he found out."

Hermione looked at me inquizitively. "Harry, did you say, 'him'?" I nodded. "You're… Harry, you're gay?" I nodded again. She just _looked_ at me. "Well, nice to know that you know."

I gaped at her. "Wait, you knew I was gay?" She nodded. "Do you know who I'm in love with?" Another nod. "And you're _not_ upset at it?" She shook her head. Ok, so she was upset. "Is it because of the person, not the subject?" and another nod.

"Snape, Harry? I mean really. Out of all the people for you to fall for, why'd it have to be a teacher? You're not going to tell him are you?" She asked, a shrill becoming evident. I quickly shook my head.

"It won't be for a long while, if ever even. I don't have the kind of courage to tell someone something like that." I sighed. "If I did, he wouldn't have to wonder who sent him that ring." She looked at me agape. "Yes, _I _sent him the ring." She opened her mouth to probably ask why. "I bought it for him because he looked like he never had a present he could appreciate. I had to lie to him when he asked me if I knew who sent it to him. I couldn't very well say, 'Oh, yes, Professor I know who sent it to you. It was me, nice surprise huh? Oh, and also, I just wanted you to know that I'm head over heels in love with you.' Yeah, Hermione, that'd go over swell."

She put a hand on my leg as I fell over on her bed. "Harry, Harry, Harry. Why didn't you just tell him?" I looked at her.

"Did you even hear a word I just said?" I asked, rising to a sitting position again. "Didn't you just hear that I couldn't tell him because it's something he's not allowed to know, _ever_ for that matter. I mean what do you propose I should do?" I stood, and started pacing. I never even noticed when the door opened and he stepped though it. "I mean come on! It's not like I can just go up to him and say, 'Oh yes, I'm insane with love for you. Can you give me the answer I want to hear?' I just don't know what I should do-- " I had turned around to see his cold glare piercing my heart.

"Potter, may I enquire what you are doing in the _girl's_ dormotories?" Severus asked, the cold and annoyed tones in his voice. They made me shiver.

"Professor, I am up here to discuss a very urgent and important matter with one of my closest friends." I answered turning a glare to him. "Why are _you_ here not only in the girl's dormotories, but here in this tower? Shouldn't you be sulking about down in the dungeons, sir?" I asked, a smirk pulling itself across my face.

"Who is this that you're 'insanely in love' with?" He asked, ignoring my questions.

I turned my glare into a hard, cold one. "It's none of your business, sir. It may not have occurred to you, but my life really isn't any of your concern, especially when it comes to private matters such as these." My tone was matching his almost exactly.

"Touché. Well, Mr. Potter. If you can find time soon, we do need to get together for another lesson. It has been quite some time since our last." He said, turning around to leave.

"Tomorrow." He turned back around at the word. "Tomorrow at 9 pm sharp." I said, my voice determined. He nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow then. Good evening, sir." He nodded in response and left the room.

I collasped onto the bed. "Hermione, that was close. How much did he hear before that?" I asked, afraid to know the answer.

"Nothing. Just as you were saying that, he walked inside. If he knew more than that, he would have requested your audience sooner." I nodded. It only made sense. So I'd dodged another bullet, but just barely. "Harry, you will need to tell Ron."

I groaned. "I know that Hermione. I can't tell him now though, considering how long we still have school for. You must promise me not to mention a single word of this to him until next year." She nodded. "Glad that I can have your confidence." She sighed and started pushing me out of the room.

"Glad that you trusted me enough to tell me this. Now out! Go and study some more." She shoved me to the stairs which turned into a slide again. I groaned at the contact of the hard floor. Ok, so she wasn't always the nicest girl in the world. But she was probably the most understanding girl I've ever met.

I grabbed my bag and went back down to the library. I still had a while until dinner. I might as well study. Time passed, and I never noticed when the library had emptied. The next time I looked at my watch, it read almost 9 o'clock. What was I doing? I went down to the kitches and went into the small room. "Harry Potter, sir. What is you doing here?" I heard Dobby's voice below me.

"I missed dinner. I was wondering if you had any left overs that I could have," I said leaning down to be face to face with him. He smiled widely and then put more food into my hands than I'd ever be able to eat, and I sat down at the table that was suddenly in the middle of the kitchen. I finished eating, and went back to my dormitory.

A few days later, I was watching Severus in class again, and I suddenly realized the ring that had been on his hand, my ring, had been removed. Tears suddenly welled up in my eyes. As soon as class was over, I went up to the dorms, and laid down on my bed. I drew the curtians and put a sealing charm on them. No one would be able to come in unless I let them in.

For the second time in a week, I poured my eyes out over the man that I was more than infatuated with.

Another skip in time, and I move to Valentine's Day. Well, almost anyway.

It's Feburary and I still hadn't told _him_ yet. It was a week until Valentine's day, and I wanted to get Severus a nice gift.What were you supposed to get for a single, older man on Valentine's anyway? I shook my head at the crazy, girly gifts as I perused the shelves of the store. As always, I'd be getting more chocolate than I could eat. Maybe I could turn the chocolate into a cake for him. I knew he liked chocolate cake as desert better than anything. The simple solution was to send the chocolates down to the kitchen and have the house elves follow specific instructions for the cake. Yes, quite the simplified solution.

A few days later, I realized that he'd kept eating all the chocolate cakes that had been sent to him. And on Valentine's Day I thought his jaw would drop at the cake that I'd had the elves make for that day. He ate the entire thing by himself and then when it came time for his class, I noticed the ring adorning his finger again.

A dreamy smile pulled across my face as my mind went into a fantasy mode, which caused my potion to sit for too long and explode. When I came to my senses, I found everyone in the room covered with at least a bit of the green goo that was supposed to be my potion. "Potter, you will see me after class. Detention and twenty points from Gryffindor for your carelessness," I heard his voice say and I only nodded. "Good. Now everyone else, when your potions are done, bottle them, and then leave to get cleaned up." A few minutes later, the bottled potions were sitting on his desk, and I didn't move from my place until he called me up to his desk.

He was wearing a pair of glasses. Severus wore glasses?! "Potter, you were rather distracted today. I'm sure you realize it. Lately your work has been adaquate, or at least according to my book." Oh, I finally realized the book he carried around with him all the time was a gradebook. "Nevertheless, I'm afraid that you've caused a mockery of an entire class. You will clean this room with a toothbrush, no magic. Please hand over your wand."

I sighed inaudibly and handed over my wand without complaint. Perhaps he would stay to watch over my work. No, wait! That's not what I wanted. If he was here, I'd probably blush like a fool. A person who couldn't concentrate on a detention would most likely get another one. And if Severus was feeling especially nasty, he would make me do the next one with him as well. I groaned quietly. Couldn't someone just _Avada Kedrava_ me already so I wouldn't have to humiliate myself in front of him?

I took the toothbrush from his hand and filled a bucket of water. I continued scrubbing the floors until I heard him say, "Potter, you may stop now." I looked up at him, and he had an expression of disbelief on his face. "You've cleaned the entire room that is within your reach twice already. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that while you should have been concentrated on your work, you were away from yourself. You will come again tomorrow night, and we will have a little chat. Dismissed." I took the bucket to the sink and he handed me my wand.

As soon as I felt the wood hit my fingers, I grabbed my bag and dashed out the door without so much as a glance back. The next night, I noticed the ring that I'd given him had been moved from one ring finger to the other. I knocked on his door quitely and I heard his velvety voice tell me to enter. "Professor." It was the simple greeting.

"Potter." The same kind of greeting in reply, but accompanied with a nod. "Have a seat. I'm not quite sure how long we will be here tonight, and you are not to move from that spot unless instructed to do so. Is that clear?" I nodded my head. "Very good. Now, have you had any luck finding out who this was from?" He held up his ringed hand.

I shook my head. "I'm afraid not, sir. Does it really mean so much to you to know where it came from?" I asked, hoping for a somewhat if not completely honest answer.

"Potter, you do know who it is from. I can tell by your eyes. They don't shield against my own. Now, who is it from? I demand that you tell me. And is it the same person who so kindly had the house elves make seven chocolate cakes for me?" His tone left room for no argument.

"You're right Professor. I do know who it is from, and yes it is the same person who sent you the cakes. I'm afraid that telling you would hurt them, so I'm not allowed to reveal such information." I was desparately keeping my cool. If he noted the movement of my eyes, he'd know that I was lying.

Severus rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Potter, I'm in no mood for games such as these. Either tell me who sent these to me, or tell me with the potion. Or perhaps you would like me to guess?" I nodded. He held up 2 fingers. "If I don't get it on either of my tries, you must tell me with no hesitation who sent them. Understand?" I nodded. "Remus?" I shook my head. "Don't tell me it's the insufferable mutt?" I shook my head again. "Well then, Potter. Who is it?"

" I have a request first sir." He nodded. "You must promise not to do anything rash when I tell you who sent the gifts. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

I took a deep breath. "The gifts were from me." A shocked expression crossed the Potions Master's face.

"From--" He started. He swallowed and then tried again. "From you Potter?" I nodded.

"Yes Professor. The gifts that you have been enjoying have been from none other than myself." I was shaking.

"Potter, stand up and leave my office immediately." I stood and when my hand was on the handle pulling the door open, I found myself pressed against it, his lips upon mine. It was heaven. No, it was if I'd died and then gone up to cloud nine. No, it was more spectacular than that. Severus, the man of my desires, was kissing me. He wasn't holding anything back. His hands roamed freely about my body, and I felt him lean in to deepen the kiss.

I wrapped my arms around him and kissed back as best as I was able. My untalented and untrained lips moved in a frantic time with his, but he seemed to accept it. When he pulled away, needing oxygen in his lungs, he groaned. "What have I done?" I pushed myself against him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"You made this boy's dream come true." I said against his chest. Ever so slowly, I felt his arms wrap around me and then tighten. "You don't know how long I've wanted you to do that, Professor." I looked up at him and I was shocked. Tears were falling down his face in silent streams of emotion. "Professor? Are you alright?" I asked, starting to pull away to wipe the tears from the man's face. But he would have none of it. He tightened his grip upon me, and started shaking.

"I was never supposed to do that. Do you understand? _Never!_" His body continued to shake. "I was never supposed to let my emotions get the best of me, and you most certiantly weren't supposed to know that I have fallen for you."

"Professor, I-- " I started only to have him interrupt me.

"Let me speak out just this once. I've never been able to for the fact that as a teacher, it is supposed to be my duty to guard the students. Getting involved with them results in serious dangers. This cannot go on Harry." The words broke my heart immediately. Finally, _finally_, I got what I wanted only to have him tell me that it wouldn't happen anymore. "This cannot go on, for if it does, you will most likely get kicked out and I'll be fired. I wouldn't do anything that would allow you to leave my sight unless absolutely necessary." He pulled out of the embrace and opened the door. "Thank you for telling me this Potter, but I do have a lot of work that I need to attend to."

I glared at him, but walked out the door and slammed it behind me. Tears fell down my face as I realized that my dreams, my hopes, and my ideas that had been made were broken by the same man who had created them.

By the time that May rolled around, I realized that I had fallen into the deepest depression of my life. I continued with my studies, but I refused to speak to anyone about anything unless it was absoluely necessary. Most of the people that had been my friends were no longer speaking to me either. I was rude, harsh, and quick to jump to conclusions. The anger that I was keeping inside from Severus was hurting everyone else that was around me.

Finally I was pulled aside by him and he demanded outright what the hell had gotten into me. "You! By telling me that what we could have had was never going to be allowed to go on broke me apart inside and I had to keep from killing myself because of you! I've never been so angry and depressed in my entire life. All I did was fall in love with you, and for you vice-versa, but you refused to let something grow between us. I realize that we would have had to be careful with our relationship, but you killed all my dreams that day Severus Snape! You killed the Harry Potter that most people had come to like. I've tried my hardest to get over you and move on, but it's not that simple for me. I'm loyal. I don't think that I'll ever stop loving you! You don't know how it tears me apart to come to your class everyday just to have you avoid me at all possible costs and then to see you in the Great Hall pretending like no one is ever there. You don't know how much it hurts to see the way that Remus looks at you, and you return the look as if it will help you get over me. You don't know how long I've wanted to look at you like that to have it returned, and you don't know how hard it is to be in love with someone who could have you killed if they chose by their master." I was breathing hard and my voice hurt from having yelled so much.

The expression on his face was uncomprehendable. "Do you really think all those things? Or did you never stop to consider my side of it?" I just cast my eyes at the floor. "You don't know how hard it is to have a werewolf constantly chasing after you, begging for any kind of romantic attention. I give him those looks because he asked me to. They don't mean anything. The reason that I've avoided you is because I knew that I would lose my self control if I didn't. I pretend no one is in the Great Hall with me because all my thoughts are still occupied with a person by the name of Harry Potter. Believe when I say that if it were allowed, I'd be looking at you the way that you want me to, but I can't. And if you really thought that I'd willing hand you over to Voldemort, you are seriously mistaken. If there's one thing I know I'd never be able to do, it is that." He tilted my chin up so that he was looking in my eyes. "Do you understand now? Do you understand that loving you meant that I might have to hurt the people that love me in such a way?"

I closed my eyes briefly and I felt your lips decend upon mine. I felt my legs go weak, but you wrapped your arms around my waist to keep me from falling to the ground. Was he going to push me away like he did last time? Would he kiss me again only to make me leave him again? Would I have to continue to do things that I didn't want to? I pulled away violently. "You say that we can't be together, but then you say you love me. You say that it would be to dangerous to be with me, yet you hold me in your arms and kiss me? I need to know something up front and right now. Do you love me?"

"It's a complicated question Harry." You started and then I said, "No, it really isn't. Do you?" You sighed. "Let me finish before jumping to conclusions. It's a complicated question in most situations. In ours, it's not. I know for a fact that I love you, that I would spend my life with you if I could. But I can't."

"Why?" I asked, clenching my fists at my sides. "Why if you love me, can't you spend your life with me?"

"Because of the war." My head snapped up at the answer. "Did you forget about the prophecy? Did you forget that you have to fight Volemort?" He sighed. "That's why I can't be with you. It's because of him that I can't. Do you understand?"

I nodded. "Yes, I understand. But will you do it for me for now? Will you be mine until the war starts? After that, I'll let you go, but now? Can I claim you as mine if it's only for a few short weeks? Will you give me that, considering how much I love you, and also for the fact that you say that you love me?"

A sad expression crossed your face. "Harry, is that really what you want? A few short, fleeting moments that you may never get back?" I nodded. "I'll give this to you. I love you, and know this. After the war is over, I'll come back to you. I promise you that."

As an ending note in my tale, I must tell you that his last kiss before leaving me to fight was one of the most saddening experiences of my life. I never thought that a love could hurt so much.

For my love, you have a dedicated poem that I think is my favorite of every one that I've ever written for you.

_He tilts my chin,  
__And his kiss erases my world.  
__He flows in and out of tune  
__And in harmony  
__With my created world._

_My despair and pain  
__Are gone when you are near,  
__But return when you must leave.  
__You are most certiantly  
__My everything._

_I do everything in my life  
__For you and your love.  
__You have never left  
__Unless you've been called  
__For a meeting that I missed.  
_

_He tilts my chin,  
__And his kiss erases my world.  
__He flows in and out of tune  
__And in harmony  
__With my created world._

If you ever got ahold of this and sat down to read it, you'll know that you are my everything, and that I am so glad that I got to know you in this sense. Thank you for fulfilling my crazy and boyish dream. The love of my life, Severus Snape. You are my salvation and my insipiration for life. Everything I do is for you.

oO0Oo

I closed the journal with a smile and replaced it on the shelf that I'd gotten it from. I heard the door open and I went to greet you with a kiss. "Welcome home, the love of my life, Severus Snape."

Fins

A/N: So? Did you like it? I thought that it fit rather nicely as a prequel to BOIYP and especially in a journal format. Please let me know what you thought of this ridiculously long one shot. Thanks to everyone that reviewed BOIYP, and you can find reviewer responses in our homepage. Take a look for yourself. Just click the little link in the profile that leads to our homepage. Thanks and perhaps we'll see you soon with another chapter from OUW. Ja 'till then!


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